Turtle problems.

     I have a turtle named Bob a Red eared slider. She (all turtles from Petco are apparently female.) lived in my Koi Pond. I was forced to move her when she began ignoring the cheap, ten cent feeder fish and began attacking the expensive Koi. At this point I made the error of assigning human emotions to a turtle and decided she was sad. So to rectify this and set my conscience at ease, I dug out another area, got the filters, liners pumps and installed a brand new "turtle pond".
   She seemed lonely. I got her friends. Steve, Joe, Jill and Sammy. I assumed this would make Bob happy and it seemed to for awhile.
   Bob killed Steve, can't make this shit up.
   Bob seems to be a bit of an asshole at this point.
   I don't know if you've ever observed turtles.  I know never really had until I had six of 'em living in a fancy hole on the side of my house. They just kinda nip at each other every once and while. It seems harmless enough, they're turtles. I try not to read too much into it.
    So they nip? So what? They nip, then nip again, then I notice there is no "they" doing the nipping at all. It's just Bob. I see the little fucker cruise up behind her pond mates and bite at the exposed flesh at the rear of their shells, the turtle ass I guess you'd call it. She keeps doing this, the other turtles swim away- Steve swam away, she'd chase, nip, nip, nip.
    Then whadda know? Steve don't look so good.  "How ya doing buddy" that's about all I can do, that and get Steve the hell away from Bob, so Steve goes in with the Koi. Problem sloved.... not so much. Come out one day and Steve is upside down at the bottom of the Koi Pond. So sad, need to bury Steve but it' like the Holy Grail "I'm not quite dead yet." At this point I'm really torn because a turtle is like fifteen bucks and the Vet is shall we say- more. I'm trying not to feel like a piece of crap with a half dead, limp turtle in my hand but there's no way to do it. This guy is doomed. Do I take a hammer to him and end it? Enter my wife, thankfully.
   We (she) opt for the Vet. I feel a little better, even though I know I could have just bought a entire new turtle for less than I paid to walk out of the animal hospital with a half dead, used one. Turtle has sepsis, I have to give it shots. I'm gonna heal wounded animal!! "It's us versus God little guy!"
   Long story short- God wins.
   So, every mooring I go out onto the side of my house drink my coffee, smoke a couple cigarettes and enjoy the sounds from my water fall. Koi over here- turtles over there.
   Ever notice that the shape of a turtle's scull gives in an inherent smile? Actually it's more of a grin.   I know I'm doing that thing again where I find human traits in my turtles but I swear Bob is floating over there just grinning at me, very please with herself. Malice in the little turtle grin says "that's right, I murdered him and there aint shit you can do about it." Worst part about that is, the little fucker is right. I can't pull a pet out of my pond and kill it because it's grinning at me. Am I fucking insane?
   So, Joe then Jill are next. You can't make this shit up.
   I think I've got a serial killer on my hands, I should really lodge a complaint about this with Petco. "Petco, home of serial killing Pets." Or maybe it's should be a complaint about suicidal turtles. It saw the same flesh wounds on the theses two that killed the last one. I watched Bob follow them around and nip, and nip and nip. Nip. Nip.Nip.  So what do I do? I take my newly injured turtles and throw 'em in with the Koi before it gets really bad. Whadda they do? Escape!! Escape and go home, to hang out with Serial Bob.
   I moved Bob too, she did the same thing, was back by the next day. Nipping.
   I dunno. Maybe Bob has a problem with Turtle Drugs and Turtle alcohol or maybe the Hindu's were right and somehow Jeffery Dahmer is swimming around in my Koi Pond.
   I just try to keep reminding myself what a first world problem this is. Image some kid in Somalia hearing me whine about this crap while he starves to death in a puddle of shit. First off, he'd eat the fucking turtles, all of 'em, all the Koi too.
    I'll Blog if more turtles die.